Why I called it the stop button

I’ve had “Swamp Thing” on my to do list for four days. I keep having to bounce it because I haven’t had time to watch it. But today at lunch? Had just the right amount of time. And as I sat, watching the first episode, pausing to tweet about the location (why isn’t it Houma) or Crystal Reed’s lack of shock white hair even though the setup was there for it… I started to think I might not be giving the show the proper attention. Because I was sober. Certainly shows (like “Arrow”) are only tolerable even to peeve watch when inebriated. Is “Swamp Thing” one of those shows? Maybe. I won’t know until next year because I’m not drinking this year. The sugar.

But waiting seven months, I almost might know not to bother with “Swamp Thing.” It getting a shortened season order (for a streaming show!) isn’t a good sign and what I did see wasn’t particularly impressive. I mean, despite really weak dialogue, Reed seems like a decent lead. Henderson Wade seems awful, like he lacks the ability to show affect. I didn’t make it to Virginia Madsen or Will Patton. As far as Alec Hollands go, Andy Bean seems… on par with “uncredited Alec Holland sex scene double” from Return of Swamp Thing. He’s never going to touch Ray Wise’s Alec Holland, because the Hollands were awesome in Swamp Thing I.

Oh, and Leonardo Nam from “Westworld.” Glad he’s getting work, sorry it’s on this show.

Yes, I went into “Swamp Thing” hyper-critical but because it’s “Swamp Thing.” It’s based on the finest mainstream comic. Ever. You don’t get to fuck up “Swamp Thing.” Especially not so bad it makes the Man-Thing movie look legit.

And “The New Adventures of Swamp Thing” sure does seem like screws up.

Maybe I’ll go back and watch the season when it’s done (if it gets picked up for a season two or someone strongly recommends it). And I can drink. A lot.

Or if someone pays me. If anyone wants to pay me to watch “Swamp Thing” and write about the stupid thing, let me know.

But to watch it sober? Nah. And I’ve seen Man-Thing twice. Intentionally.

(This posted was written while listening to Harry Manfredini’s awesome score for Swamp Thing).

Swamp Thing needs heart. It’s always needed heart. No surprise Len Wiseman, who directs the pilot, botches it so badly. It’s Len Wiseman, after all. Botching franchises is his thing. And James Wan. Don’t even get me started on Aquaman overhype. (I think we talk about it on a podcast though).

Anyway:

“Swamp Thing.” Nope. Not sober.

Umm. So they’re not hooking up? Worse, are they?

If you’ve ever read Swamp Thing (not “New 52” Swamp Thing I don’t think but maybe), Abby and Alec hook up. A lot. They even hooked up in the movie.

But this teaser for the new show with vines covering Abby’s mouth and eyes?

I mean. Is this a Fifty Shades of Grey thing or… is “Swamp Thing” going to fail to deliver the entire reason the comic’s great? Of course it is.

ENTER ABBY ARCANE. Via: @CrystalmReed #swampthing #dcuswampthing #dcuniverse @dcuswampthing @thedcuniverse?

Shuttered on the Bayou

When I first heard about a “Swamp Thing” show, I wasn’t excited. The New 52 Swamp Thing comic was lousy, the Geoff Johns(?)-fueled reintroduction of the character into DCU proper just before was… lousy? James Wan executive producing it didn’t reassure. While I’m sure it’s possible Wan is a big Alan Moore fan (wouldn’t it be amazing if Alan Moore liked Aquaman), it’s not like the initial casting inspired confidence either.

And then the other DC Universe shows starting coming out and, utter disinterest aside, apparently “Titans” and “Doom Patrol” are actual television shows. They have budgets. Big enough ones Warner is considering shuttering DC Universe streaming, which makes sense because a dedicated DC Universe streaming channel without most of the DC live action content (CW shows) or full comic library doesn’t make much sense. If they’d made new comics available through the streaming service, I’d have signed up. Why the hell not? $10 a month is cheaper than three DC Comics.

But no, because Warner Bros. hasn’t had a good idea in a while. Maybe because their CEO was busy stalking young women.

So I was going to watch “Swamp Thing,” at least once (I don’t really do the three episode trial thing, if I’m in it for a second episode, I’m in for a fourth, three I’m in for the first seven). And now maybe I won’t, which is both a bummer and totally fine. Swamp Thing has limitless potential, we’ve seen it in the work from Alan Moore, Rick Veitch, Mark Millar, Josh Dysart. Even Nancy A. Collins and Brian K. Vaughan if you’re so inclined. But I wouldn’t trust James Wan to adapt the Martin Pasko stuff, much less the Len Wein.

But I had gotten curious….

The series was originally set for a 13 episode order at the end of May

 

I can’t believe it’s come to this…

… but I’m on-board for Matt Ryan as Constantine. His whole love story thing on “Legends” finally sold me on the performance, which was occasionally amusing amid the “Legends” chaos but the love story thing… it’s where Ryan finally impressed as Constantine.

So hopefully he gets to be on the new “Swamp Thing” show, which could be godawful, given James Wan is exec-producing it and it’s probably based on the terrible New 52 versions of the character. But one can always hope….

I mean, if it used the Harry Manfredini theme from the 1982 movie I’d have to be on-board to some degree. I’ve been meaning to watch “Doom Patrol” but not with any major enthusiasm. “Titans” I have some morbid curiosity but no interest. “Swamp Thing” is going to be a real challenge since the most successful filmic version was a guy in a painfully obvious rubber suit. Presumably the TV show is going to be a CGI Swamp Thing, which will probably look like shit.

We’ll see. I’ve never seen Crystal Reed (who plays Abby) in anything and Abby’s the most important part of “Swamp Thing.”

Who knows, maybe it’ll work. I’d never have believed Thanos would work and Brolin was phenomenal.

Actor Matt Ryan, who has played paranormal anti-hero John Constantine since 2014, wants to be the one to play the character on DC Universe’s Swamp Thing.